Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Mating Rituals of the…Human Animal

We humans like to believe that because we are oh so evolved in our cognitions and behaviours, that we are somehow superior to other animals, well here is the news flash... Though our behaviours and cognitions have evolved over the last billion years our so, a lot of our supposed superior behaviour still holds remnants of our rather hairy ancestors, and fellow members of the animal kingdom.

Generally we are not having our sexual trysts in the tree tops or in the fields of the golden savannah anymore. Our spawning grounds have transformed into strobe lighted night clubs, the hum of your friendly computer screen, rows of church pews, not to mention social events (particularly weddings, which seem to get all women hot and bothered) and the fleeting yet sometimes mind blowing passing encounters.

What is interesting to look at is, that there seems to be a collective understanding of what type of mate you could possibly find at most of these venues, and though subtle to the unobservant person, there appears to be an obvious behavioral pattern that we follow when encountering a potential mate, which leads me to ... Pheromones.

This fabulous chemical which our bodies naturally produce and secrete in our sweat comes from the Greek words pherin, “to carry” and horman, “to excite”. Pheromones naturally elicit responses in others, specifically in reproductive behaviour. (I know I’m getting all scientific, but read on you could learn something)

Have you ever noticed that when meeting someone who seems perfect in all the right places (wink wink), for some reason you can’t seem to figure out why you are repulsed by them? Or how about, realizing that the same perfume or cologne smells completely different on different people? What about sniffing your lover’s clothes or pillow when they are away? This is because of Pheromones.

Let’s get scientific again... Most women will tell you that they and their group of friends seem to share the same menstrual cycle. Research has shown that when females are kept together for an extended period of time without the presence of a male, that their menstrual cycles will synchronize, then, slow down and eventually stop until a male is introduced. This phenomena, is called the Lee-Boot Effect. This “effect” is a direct result of the body’s natural ability to recognize via pheromones that there is no need to menstruate (produce eggs) because there are no viable males around for reproduction. SPOOKY huh?!

Going even further, it has also been observed that women who are regularly in the presence of men tend to have shorter menstrual cycles than those who are not, allowing for more opportunities to have sex, thus leading to the possible fertilization of an egg. (Uh huh, see I told you, you human animal you)

So now that we have established that despite your fabulous jewelry, great apartment, lavish clothes and dedicated work-out regime, that you are in fact an evolved animal, yet an animal none the less, let’s break it down a bit. What type of animal are you?

For the Men...

The Lustful Lion Male
These men have a presence that will tame even the wildest lioness. They are dominant, seductive, love to be the center of attention and usually are. They thrive on having their harem of equally strong women take care of their every whim and fancy, and may at times appear lazy because of this. But don’t be fooled, this male can take care of himself, but simply prefers to be taken care of.

The Sinister Shark Male
Stated simply, sharks are ruthless! They prefer to be alone and will kill to get what they want, and once happy they move right along to their next victim. This male is hard to tame, and if in fact he somehow becomes caged, he may turn on you rather than die in captivity.

The Emperor Penguin Male
These are the men that women, tend to look over. They would rather have a lion or shark over these loyal and faithful Emperor Penguins (SO SAD BUT TRUE). Popular for their monogamy, Emperors will live their entire lives having only one mate. These Emperors make the best Dads and in fact have no qualms being a stay-at-home Dad while Mom goes off to hunt. (Warning Ladies: Shark Dads will usually eat their young, and Lion Papas tend not to give a damn! So when you find a Penguin be good to him and DON’T TURN HIM INTO A SHARK OR LION)

FOR THE LADIES...

The Praying Mantis & Black Widow Females
These two can fit into a category together, simply because they will devour their men after mating, whether it be for money, status, whatever. Good men tend to fall into the alluring traps of these women far too often, and only realize when its too late, and they are either broke and she has moved on, or oops she got pregnant on the sly.

The Devilish Dolphin Female
Dolphins are the only other mammal apart from humans who have sex for pleasure, so let’s just say that these women have a very veracious sexual appetite. They are very open to sexual exploration, and are usually happiest in leather. They are the equivalent to the Rabbit and will either be an answer to a man’s dream or his worst nightmare. Don’t take them lightly though, they are usually rather intelligent.

The Beautiful Butterfly
These women are rare. You know the saying; “behind every good man, there is a greater woman”, this is her. Butterfly females usually undergo some form of transformation and get more beautiful with age. Once matured, she will find her rightful mate and produce her offspring before she dies. These women are extremely delicate though, and when handled inappropriately, may never fly again. (Warning: Men please take care of the butterflies. WE HAVE TOO MAY BLACK WIDOWS ALREADY)


Published by Ocean Style Magazine - Uneditted Version

“Ode to the… Boob”

If you had not read the title of this article, and I asked you to regress a bit and sing the alphabet, chances are the last thing on your mind would be your cup size. However if I asked you to sing the alphabet now, it’s possible that you would not be able to keep a straight face, and start snickering by the time you got to the letter/cup “J”.

As entertaining as it would be to elaborate on the possible psychology of your cup size, and what it means to yourself, your esteem, your society and the rest of the world regarding how well your bra fits, sorry to say this article has little to do with your breasts, but instead has everything to do with your femininity.

Ask yourself how you felt the day of your first period. What feelings did you have? Where there any fears? Ask yourself about your ability and choice to have children; about your possible or past emotions the day of your daughter’s first period. Ask yourself about your feelings of menopause, about breast cancer, about the possible loss of a breast. Though we may not see (perhaps blinded by the demands of the patriarchal society in which we live), these questions delve far into our understanding and appreciation of our femininity.

I am a woman who has come to realize that my fellow women far too often, though with a level of appreciation, have come to select aspects of their “Feminine” which they choose to accept or not, at times even fighting it, and not supporting the collective of females.

Now ask yourself about how difficult your struggle has been in the working world, about the choices you have made, or were forced to make, because you are a woman. Ask yourself about discrimination, but also recognize how you too have discriminated against and judged your female colleagues. In all HONESTY, were your choices based on their characters only, or were they somewhat influenced by their “feminine”? Why do we fight ourselves and each other so?

Some would argue that men are to blame. So quick are we to call them out; telling them and believing that they are “dogs”; charging them with the offenses of hurt, oppression and discrimination. Why are we not capable of seeing that this vicious cycle of prejudice begins and ends with us?

In days gone by, the idea of a patriarchal society was myth. Powerful goddesses reigned supreme with the recognition of the equally powerful and divine masculine. A respected balance existed between the sexes, the realism of symbiosis, the acceptance that there is no Yin without Yang. Women gathered together in reverence to celebrate their femininity and the Divine Feminine; they supported each other; they taught and uplifted each other, never bitching! (I choose my words very wisely)

The notion of female on female oppression is a new phenomenon, and most men will easily point out that this is our “weakness” as women: being “fickle” and holding each other down. No matter what the circumstances, a man is more than capable of respecting a woman, once she has respect for her self.

“Ode to the Boob” is a proclamation of self-acceptance for any woman, realizing that in being women we have no weaknesses, only the devices we hold against each other and ourselves. Embracing that which makes us female does not make us weak; it instead reconnects us to our past celebration of the woman.

Argue all you damn well please: “But men are this, but men are that, look on what they have done to us…” BLAH BLAH BLEEP BLAH BLAH! Don’t get me upset! What have we done to ourselves? Granted we have struggled, and it has taken us a hell of a long time to regain some amount of respect, but what have we done to that respect?!

Unleash our fury of frustration on men; claiming the brilliance of having control over them with the way we dress, with what we do. Let me tell you a secret… do not take them for fools, as they see right through it, and rightly so. If we continue to give them the ammunition, why not use it? We use it against ourselves anyway, right?!

I am venting, because I am tired of how we treat each other and ourselves. I am nauseated by thoughts of hurtful former friends who used their feminine wiles to stab me in the back. I am aggravated by women in high-powered positions, who feel that the world owes them something, and who assimilate the “male characteristic” of assertion and turn it into manipulation and aggression in the work place.

I know you can identify for two reasons. Firstly because you have continued to read my rant, and secondly because I know that though we may choose not to admit it to ourselves at times, we realize the truth.

Looking on the grand scheme of things, we have come a long way, and it has taken us lifetimes and generations to get to where we are: “earning” the right to vote, and look, now we have a woman running for President of the United States (I am NOT a Hillary supporter, my choice, thank you!). From the burning of bras to the legislation put in place to protect us women, is enough evidence of our journey. However, to what extent are we protecting each other?

I ask these questions because it has taken me some time to come to these conclusions, having been wrapped up in my own delusions. I am not at all negating the struggles we have faced and are still facing. Instead I am suggesting that the biggest struggle that we need to recognize is with ourselves.

The feminine Moon rules the tides, and maintains the speed at which Mother Earth herself rotates, controlling life in the sea and thus on land. Yet the Moon provides no light without the masculine Sun (getting deep here, can you handle it?).


Juno, Roman patron goddess, AKA Hera to the Greeks, was believed to watch and protect all women from their first breath to their last. Freyja, Norse goddess of creativity, love, and beauty, was worshiped to foster the ability to discriminate between aggression and passivity, and the ability to use them appropriately. Athena, Greek goddess of wisdom and enlightenment, was without equal in the skill of battle and protected all those in need of defense. Oya, Yoruba goddess of the Niger River, was praised for her leadership and strength. Kuan Yin, most beloved goddess of ancient China, was recognized for her compassion, vowing never to leave the earth to her celestial amusement until all humans were free of pain.

Whether you choose to appreciate these whimsical stories or not, open your mind a bit to realize that these stories are simply of women. Women who in their “divinity” had honor and respect and were praised for it by women, and yes, by men too! These stories are of the Feminine, all that makes us female, and creates the balance for life, just as the sun and moon coexist to sustain life.

“Ode to the Boob” is an Ode to you; a type of self-praise, to realize that to be feminine is innate and necessary for life. Without compassion, without strength, without tears, without monthly mood-swings, without the pain of child birth, the tender look in a mother’s eyes and the support of a wife or a girlfriend’s smile, where would we be? Where will we be? We need to stop fighting and start embracing, remembering that the power of a woman is not defined by our power over men and each other, but instead our power of self. Think about it!

- As published by Ocean Style Magazine